Another day of mixed blessings. We had a glorious moment this morning, amidst a day of trials and problems. When I arrived at the hospital room, Lea was laying on her bed, eyes wide open, looking at the ceiling, eyes darting from side to side, and she was mouthing words so fast, it was like she couldn’t say things fast enough. I was elated. As I entered the room, I did my usual, “Good morning, darling, How’s my girl?” She fixed her eyes on me, mouthed something that might have started with an L (such as Larry?), and then puckered up real big!

Before I could catch myself and bend over to kiss her, she was off mouthing a whole string of things again. It didn’t matter; I was overwhelmed with delight. I have a pretty low entertainment threshold.  It was then I began to realize that she was in panic mode. She was breathing on her own, with the ventilator in support mode if she needed it. Her pulse was up above 135 and her breathing rate was 35-43 breaths per minute. Both are too high. She was sweating, and her body was hot to the touch.

The night nurse, Moira, was with her other patient, so I tried the tricks I have learned to help Lea calm down. I began talking to her in a steady stream about anything that came to mind, put a cool washcloth on her forehead, and used another to swab down all exposed parts of her body. I removed the stockings from her calves so I could cool her legs, and turned the fan on her continuously. After working with her for about 30 minutes, she began to slow down very slightly. Her pulse dropped to 128 and she was breathing about 30 breaths per minute. Still not good enough.

I began to realize then that she was delirious. I hadn’t seen it before, so I didn’t know what it was, nor what to do about it. I started to sing to her, since I had run out of things to talk about, all the while keeping her swabbed down with a cool cloth. About fifteen minutes later her day nurse, Leoni, came in to do her regular start-of-shift analysis of Lea’s condition. She and I discussed Lea’s condition, and agreed that she needed to come off work mode, although she had started less than an hour previously.

She talked to the nurse practitioner on duty who authorized changing the order for work mode from Dr. Mah to rest mode. Once Lea was in rest mode, I was able to coax her into a calmer state in about another hour of talking/singing and reading to her. Because she was running a fever in excess of 101, her pulse rate remained high, but her breathing rate returned to just above normal with full ventilator support.

I just imagined what she must have felt like, coming up out of a sleepy stupor, in relative darkness, with no one around, to find herself having a hard time breathing. It probably feels like having a boulder lying on your chest, and certainly must be an extremely frightening and lonely feeling. I just had to silently weep. Silently so I don’t upset her. And, then, pile on top of that the delirium she feels coming through withdrawal from the narcotics. I am SO sorry for her! I am just absolutely devastated when I think about all she is going through. I am amazed that she can do it. I’m not certain I could.

She continued to have a rough day for the rest of the day. She is receiving antibiotics to battle the latest infection induced fever, additional albumin to keep her fluid levels up, and medication to reduce the fever. She was too sick to get into the cardiac chair today, and was heavily sedated at the end of the day to reduce her agitation and let her rest during the night. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day. (Please, Lord).

This morning, as I was talking and singing to Lea, I realized at one point that I was singing a tune I was writing for her a few years ago and never finished. It surprised me that I was singing it, because I hadn’t thought about it for such a long time. In fact, I couldn’t even remember all of it. But, I wondered if I still had a copy on the computer somewhere. I had started writing it one summer a few years ago but got proposed Christmas gift for her, but got discouraged. My purpose in writing it was to get it recorded as a song and give it to her as a tribute on Christmas morning.

I’m not a poet, nor a musician, nor a vocalist, so I had set out for my self an impossible task. Nonetheless, I thought I would go back and look on an old hard drive I had in the drawer to see if I could find that old text and maybe revise it. Long story short; I found it. I had left it on the hard drive, and even, unknowingly, created a backup of it. As I read it, I realized that I need to share it. Lea has not seen it yet, as it is just a work in progress that never got finished. But, still, it expresses a lot about our relationship with each other and through each other.

Whispering Truth

I loved you when you were fifteen,
Pretty little girl, right out of my dreams.
Pony tails, bubble gum, and high heel shoes,
We shared a love that still is true.

You left your dolls to become my girl,
And filled my heart with laughter and curls.
Drive in movies, the old camp, and root beer floats,
Made sweet memories that we still boast.

You were my prom night teenage queen,
That’s when I heard wedding bells ring.
We joined together to become just one,
To brave the world and raise two sons.

It’s the whispering truth,
Love you in a hundred ways.
Whispering truth,
I love you more each day.

We struggled through life’s many twists and turns,
Our children taught me to love unreserved.
And gave back joy and gladness times ten,
God’s gift to those who love and serve Him,

Our sons have now grown to proud young men,
and, darling, you’re more beautiful than then.
You’re still that pretty little teenage queen,
Your love has fulfilled my heart’s dreams.

Thank you my angel, for a life divine,
All life’s bounty that you made mine.
You have always given me love, love, love.
I thank our loving God for the gift of you.

It’s the whispering truth,
I love you more each day.
Whispering truth,
Love you in a thousand ways.

I whisper in your ear . . .
I love you in every way.
Whispering truth,
I love you more each day.

I know it isn’t particularly good, but it’s an old romantic’s declaration of love for a person who has been the center of his life for the biggest part of his life. In case you can’t tell, she still wows me.

Father, thank you for the glimpse of the wonderful spirit in Lea You gave me this morning! Thank you, Father, for putting her in my life. I pray for the privilege of serving You with her in the years to come, and I also ask You to bless my friends and relatives who are reading this prayer. Show them a new revelation of Your love and power. Holy Spirit, I ask You to minister to their spirit at this very moment. Where there is pain, give them Your peace and mercy. Where there is self-doubt, release a renewed confidence through Your grace. Where there is need, I ask You to fulfill their needs. Bless their homes and families with the peace and love that come from inviting You into their hearts and lives. In Jesus’ precious name. Amen. Good night, angel!

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